Summer

We've been having a lovely time this summer. Since we were unable to move as planned, I've decided to embrace all the wonderful activities we can do here and make the best of it. I've always loved summer anyhow. The girls and I have been out and about every week.

Today we took a tour of the fire station. The best part was getting to go into the truck naturally. But they got to watch one of the firemen suit up which is important for them to see. In the event of a fire, they say many children are frightened of them in their suits and will sometimes even hide from them. So it's good for them to be prepared and learn to not be afraid of them.

We've been going swimming, to playdates, to splash parks, and there seem to be so many birthdays this summer as well.

It's been great.

Back to Normal

Well, normal for me. :-P Having so much hit me at once right after baby's birth required some adjustment for me. First the job and move to Huntsville fell through, and then Daisy (baby's new web name, lol) was hospitalized, diagnosed and treated for a pretty serious heart defect. I took that really hard and honestly I couldn't imagine at the time how I could possibly ever really feel “normal” again.


But I do. She's healthy now. Not perfect. But life isn't perfect. It's a big mangled up mess, yet we go on day to day anyhow. This problem is just one more thing to add to that pile of crazy. It's not fun, but what can we do but accept it and keep on keepin' on? I like her cardiologist. He's got a great bedside manner. He's great with the kids and the adults and I feel really comfortable with my daughter in his care. Whenever we do finally get to move I'm going to miss him. I hope I'll like her future dr as well.


I also had some guilt to deal with. This is the first child I had outside of a hospital. The birth went very well. Perfect really, from my point of view. And when she was born I thought she was perfect. Her little head didn't even mold. Little did I know how not perfect she was on the inside. The midwife heard the heart murmur and advised me to have her seen by a pediatrician just to be on the safe side. I wasn't really concerned. I casually made a newborn appointment for her. Can't even remember if I mentioned the murmur or her fast respirations when I made it. She was home for a full week without seeing a doctor. Then when I brought her in, we were sent right away to emergency care at the children's hospital.


But despite how scary that all was, I wouldn't do things differently now. I had time to bond with her, to establish a healthy breastfeeding relationship and she had time to gain more weight. All of the doctors kept talking about how big and healthy she was (besides her heart of course) and how that helped her to get through the procedure, which ended up taking hours. So even though it could have been bad, it wasn't. It actually ended up being for the best. Just like hubby losing his job offer ended up being for the best. So rather than regret what I didn't do (which I can't change) I choose to be thankful for things as they are. *I am in no way advocating that people who have reason to suspect their child has a heart problem put off seeing a doctor.


Life is strange sometimes. But I'm glad to have a part in it, and glad my little girl is here too.

And things get more complicated

On Thursday of last week I took the baby in for her well-baby appointment with her new doctor. I knew at the time she had a bit of a murmur at birth (though I'll admit I wasn't really sure what that even meant exactly) to ask about, as well as concern over her fast respirations. However I wasn't remotely prepared for what was to come.

After hearing her heart and counting her respirations, I was told my daughter's heart murmur was substansive and that her respirations were too fast for her to keep going like that for much longer without something giving out. She advised us to take her right to the ER at Cook Children's Medical Center in Ft Worth. By midnight she was diagnosed with aortic stenosis, admited to PICU and scheduled for a heart cath the following day. They performed the procedure with as much success as could be expected, and thankfully none of the potential dangers played out. After hours in the cath lab (there were some complications, and heart surgery was being considered) she came out and was taken back to PICU where she stayed for the next few days.

During that time I was on an emotional roller coaster. I still am to a point, because her heart defect is not something that can just be fixed so we could move on. It's going to hang over our heads for her whole life, and I can only hope it won't take her life some day. We are told that she will have to have that valve replaced some day, and the longer she can go without it, the better. But there is no way to know or really controll when that will be. It could be days, months, years... She could be an adult, but I'm afraid to look up the actual statistics. I am already living in terror of the day they tell me my baby needs open heart surgery. My biggest fear is to outlive any of my kids and here I am with a baby who's heart is all messed up, and it's like a ticking time bomb to me. I can't stand thinking about it. I wonder how I could ever feel normal again.

There were days in the hospital where all I could do was cry. I couldn't even look at my own baby without being overwhelmed with fear and dread over what could possibly come.

But I'm working through it. The truth is she could and hopefully will live a full happy life. And what purpose does fearing for the worst all the time serve? Nothing. It takes away from me and worse it could affect her. So I'm resolved to work on my perspective and do everything I can to stop fearing and dreading things that may never even come to pass and to focus on the here and now with my girl.

More of that Good News Bad News Thing

First the good news that is more than good. Awesome even. Had my baby girl on May 13th. She weighed 9lbs 12oz and was 20 inches long. I may try and type up a birth story sometime soon. But I'm not sure there is much to tell. I had days of contractions and when she finally came, it was almost a whirlwind. I got in the tub at the birthcenter, yelled, knew I couldn't do it even as I was pushing, and next thing I know there's a big fat baby on me. Only she seemed so tiny. It's been a while since I held a newborn.

She's already over 11 lbs! And she wasn't even a week old when we weighed her. She's seeing a doctor tomorrow for well baby checkup and vaccines.

I want to post more, but the little bundle of joy is about to interupt, so I've got to cut this short.

Bad news = Job in Huntsville fell through. Would say more, but gotta run.

June 1st!!!!!

Finally, I have some official news to share.

K was offered the job, and accepted it on the 11th. Since then there has been some fussing about when would be an appropriate transfer date. I'll admit that got me nervous all over again. But today it has been agreed upon by all parties that the transfer date will be June 1st!!!

I'm so happy. I'm walking on air. It's so great to really have a date to look at, something to plan towards. I can't say I can relax now. Way too much to do! But at least I can focus on something!!!

Baby's doing alright. The placenta is way up. But I think she may still be breech. So the midwife wants me to think about what we want to do if she stays that way. I'm a bit nervous about that, and obsessing trying to figure out what position she is in everytime I feel her move or kick. Was that a kick, or a headbutt. Is this her butt or her head? Wish I could know for sure. Shame I'm not one of those women who is super atuned to her body. That would be handy. But no, I'm Captain Oblivious. Sigh.

But overall, I'm feeling happy and positive right now. :)

The Good and the Bad

On the good front:
1) Things are looking good for the job in Huntsville. No definite word yet though.

2) I've been volunteering at the JBF consignment sale in Fort Worth this week, and it's been nice to have some outside of the home occupation.

3) The bonus is I shouldn't have to do any more clothes shopping for any of the kids (including baby) until the fall. I got a changing table, cradle, boppy, receiving blankets, some toys and tons of clothes for all three girls for well under $300. Pretty much everything I could need.

4) The baby is due next month. It's still nearly 2 months away technically. But it's cool to say she's due next month. And a little frightening.

The bad:

1) I've been sick off and on, and really low on energy. Though I am on the upswing at least.

2) We're a little behind on the Kindergarten work. But I think we should be able to catch up pretty quickly.

3) I've got tons of housework to do, and so far I've only accomplished procrastinating, and a bit of laundry.

4) I witnessed an armed robbery last night, and didn't even realize it until it was over. (And feeling totally guilty for that. I was sitting there listening to NPR in my car the whole time the car in front of me was holding a gun on them) I'm shaken up over it, but especially upset for the kids. Holding a gun on kids working at McDonald's for a few hundred dollars is low. And I hope the police caught that sorry sack of s*** before he got too far.

Third Time's a Charm?

Maybe. Maybe not. Only time will tell. K had another job interview today. This interview came together really quickly, and I'm thinking/hoping this one may be the one. Either way I don't feel too bad. Lots of people do tons of interviews before finding the right job. So even if it isn't as simple as 3 interviews, that's ok. But still ... *got my fingers crossed*.